"Keep the ball rolling," Dane says with his actions of yields. Or, it may not mean that and his yields mean something else. He denies being guilty of abuse or hate. While I may have let go of some of his other abuses in the past and have made the choice to be the one who loves, I still am going to keep putting myself first. I am miserable. I need a job. In a more serious state and the amount of time I have known him compared to when I first met him, I do not demand or expect him to take care or provide for me. Through his actions, I have already caught onto his undying battles of competition and supremacy. He will always have the type of ego that is obsessed with dominance and structure. While I'm having a very hard time surviving, I'm also having a hard time in dealing with opposition against my pride and living through so much hate and being angry for myself. ..........
He gets credit for being a little more real when talking about me with his posting of my cockiness. But do I think he is innocent of the list of all the different types of hate? No. He has a conscious and aware sense of emotion to deny that he would want to sexually abuse me like that. But, there is guilty by association and past things that he has done. While he is denying further escalating abuse and hate, I can't help but wonder about the truth of responsibility he could have: he doesn't know how to deal, so he would rather get me murdered and set me up for murder without it looking like he has any blood on his hands. ...............
I can't help but assume the worst.
Dane looks at Kimmel, while I'm still assuming it is Amish Jim who will at the same time: not let go of me but still sexually abuse me. That is the strongest hints I'm getting right now with my browsings. I also think Norm and Denny are being violently and daringly responsible with sexual abuse and oil rigs. Just to let the United States know, while I still have no trust or faith in the country, I am still watching it to see how it will choose to deal with justice.
In a more off the trail thought and in general terms, I can't help but brainstorm possible competition that involves: gangs, capitalism, independence, interdependence, solo dependence.
In choosing supremacy of the competition, I would say independence and interdependence should be the winners. While not getting personal, I am keeping a reminder that sometimes, interdependence does not work out. Once so much trust has been broken, unless that person is a genius mastered "broker," who knows how to manipulate everything into their win and rule, the interdependence can shrink. It depends on each personal snowflake's desperation after that. Some may choose to be independent or completely dependent on one person. Some may want to choose suicide. Some may want to wait a lifetime to keep looking and keep waiting for more or new possibile people to be interedependent with. Maybe some would choose to be in a gang. People could be gambling with themselves for the rest of their lives. It isn't that they want to put it that way, it is just how life really is. I do agree with the band U2, that "sometimes you can't make it on your own." But, there is also a time of reason where a person is capable of being on their own, but nobody else wants to accept it but that person. Some don't even have Bono's compassion. It is the codependency of predator and victim where the predator does not see his/her own guilt of dependence of demanding to be needed. In this situation, it is the demands of that person to be needed that make themselves the biggest obstacle of the vulnerable person who is trying to survive.
Until then, I remain restless. Occasional rest, but chronically fatigued. Right now, I am feeling chronically fatigued. I claim myself as the independent looker and waiter.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
I wonder who will be the first person to hit
The truth is, I do not have control over the world around me. Some lists of wealthy people do. Some are more obvious who has control while others I still want to know who and how many people are responsible for my life being like this. There will always be some groups of people who like to be do-gooders and encourage to walk away and just ignore people. Well, I ignore people at my leisure. However, I have not forgotten that some people just aren't giving up, and going away. My life continues to be wasted at my expense for the choices the wealthy make with who they decide to spoil rotten.
Time goes by so slowly.
Gotta love that boombox.
I have noticed several men in my life who continue to get more and more aggressive, violent, harassing, and stalking. It is only so much time before some men notice how little of effect they have on me and pick up that I am still a confident person. It is only a matter of time until they notice I continue to put myself before them. It is only a matter of time until the mysogynists be who they are.
I have noticed several groups of people that aren't just Ron Burgundys' or mysogynists. Some people, including Christians, use and abuse people for their own motivation or desperation. There are endless lists of agendas. Anderson sees a seriously bad drug problem; I believe what he says. There are just numbers and groups of people with different agendas and motives and I really do not understand what I have ever done for people to live to hate me the way they do. I don't get it.
Summer of 2006. Yes, I remember that summer. In this instance, there was no specific finger pointing of the reason I was driven insane and ran to the police who sent me to the hospital. Most, out of arrogance or desperation usually point the finger at either Mo or "me feeling suicidal over being rejected from a homosexual lover." I really understand why this country is so hated. Rudeness and arrogance can be so repulsive and maddening. It is the arrogance and rudeness along with so many people harassing me and stalking me. Talk about being ganged up on.
I have a feeling that no matter what happens or is said, I'm going to always be the bad guy. I'm going to be the blame, the scapegoat, the person who is at fault. I really have given up on people for a long time now. But while violence remains persistent and ever so growing, why not say something while in the limelight? My guess is that it is only going to make matters worse. Right now, I just don't care. I'm so fed up. I've been fed up. I'm just as desperate for people to get over themselves while I'm the one who is being condescended and degraded at the same time. People hate my Lily Allen attitude: "it's not me it's you," with everything in them. They won't give up and neither will I.
So, this leads me to wonder, I wonder who the first person will be who is going to get physically violent with me.
Time goes by so slowly.
Gotta love that boombox.
I have noticed several men in my life who continue to get more and more aggressive, violent, harassing, and stalking. It is only so much time before some men notice how little of effect they have on me and pick up that I am still a confident person. It is only a matter of time until they notice I continue to put myself before them. It is only a matter of time until the mysogynists be who they are.
I have noticed several groups of people that aren't just Ron Burgundys' or mysogynists. Some people, including Christians, use and abuse people for their own motivation or desperation. There are endless lists of agendas. Anderson sees a seriously bad drug problem; I believe what he says. There are just numbers and groups of people with different agendas and motives and I really do not understand what I have ever done for people to live to hate me the way they do. I don't get it.
Summer of 2006. Yes, I remember that summer. In this instance, there was no specific finger pointing of the reason I was driven insane and ran to the police who sent me to the hospital. Most, out of arrogance or desperation usually point the finger at either Mo or "me feeling suicidal over being rejected from a homosexual lover." I really understand why this country is so hated. Rudeness and arrogance can be so repulsive and maddening. It is the arrogance and rudeness along with so many people harassing me and stalking me. Talk about being ganged up on.
I have a feeling that no matter what happens or is said, I'm going to always be the bad guy. I'm going to be the blame, the scapegoat, the person who is at fault. I really have given up on people for a long time now. But while violence remains persistent and ever so growing, why not say something while in the limelight? My guess is that it is only going to make matters worse. Right now, I just don't care. I'm so fed up. I've been fed up. I'm just as desperate for people to get over themselves while I'm the one who is being condescended and degraded at the same time. People hate my Lily Allen attitude: "it's not me it's you," with everything in them. They won't give up and neither will I.
So, this leads me to wonder, I wonder who the first person will be who is going to get physically violent with me.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Another day
Yes, I still really think a lot of people are arrogant. This is a time where some people's obvious demands to not be ignored and I don't mind releaving myself of being suppressed.
Right now, I think the biggest issue is that I think a lot of people are baffled over the fact that I havn't committed suicide.
I don't think people will ever understand the real pain of that last statement.
In all honesty, despite the feeling of the pain, it is also a shocker. The U.S. does have some commonly know stereotypes: A nation of supposed freedoms of all sorts. A nation of independence. A nation that supposedly supports a number of rights including women's rights. Also a nation with a large rate of arrogance and obesity. What a dangerous potential of causing its own collapse even among actual citizens of the nation.
Some people have agreed there are a number of people that are being a pig with me. It is nice to have agreements. Beyond the agreements others still have the continued nerve to say I should still commit suicide over them. No wonder my life feels continuously cursed.
Extent has always been my key word. Right now extent really isn't relevant to other people. Even though I have self worth, some die to say "fuck women's rights and independence," and:
This is the crux of other's wanting for me to commit suicide: I should kill myself because somebody should have loved me by now. Because I am not loved by others, all independence and autonomy is forgotten. Because I am not loved by others and nobody gives a rat's ass at what I have had to suffer? Why should I have any human rights because nobody loves me? I really do not intend to turn this into a sermon because I also believe in freedom of religion and any person of any religion should not be told that they are a nobody because nobody loves them.
So, where from now?
I believe there still may be possibilities from a number of men where it hasn't happened yet whom I may have never met yet. Maybe it's moreso directed at the rich or those in power where if a man loved me, he would have saved me by now. Some of those men are probably the same men who could have the potential to bring out my MIA from the cause of their own structure. I won't deny my flirtation or stockhom love. It seems though, there are even rules to stockholm love. The oddities of the stockholm love where I am meant to be known as the mistress.
I won't deny the love I've had for some. But in my circumstance, I would be blamed for any possibility because I am realistically more poor and vulnerable in honest comparison. But I think I'm learning there are even systematic rules for mistresses where there are still strict guidelines for how the mistress should act.
Its funny, I've never really laid any of the TV men. Of course I've been a tease in the stockholm. I've even teased a double jeopardy over it.
So is it moreso the wealthy taking advantage of a vulnerable women where it is obvious she can never win?
Forget the rest of the male population. If she were loved by now, someone would have loved her the right way.
OMG I was in my early twenties! Age really is a complicated variable that I don't really want to argue with.
But, I think that there are some who still seriously think I should commit suicide that I will both resent and loathe.
There are others who may not learn about me for years to come who I may resent when they have to meet the rest of the crowd and feel embarassed once again when the crowd asks a potential lover: "Why weren't you there for her? Why didn't you think? How could you say you love her? Or, in my low end: "How could you love her?" Or enemies who have lists from their action of outsourcing to say why that man shouldn't love me.
I really don't know possibilities of the future.
Other atheists and mysogynists who I've already called an asshole would say I should be gay, or be a real stripper and suck dick to get a man's attention.
They have no reason of patience. They have no reason of self control. They would fight to the death with either mysogyny and sadism or statistics.
I am honestly hurt with the way I have to unveil myself sometimes. There are so many arrogant people in this world where I feel ignored and that people really are clueless and stupified of who I am.
Yes, it does hurt when I have to ask certain questions or say certain comments. Yes, it really hurts with the list of other reasons that I hurt.
I will not beg. I will not live to suffer for another outside of my free will. I will not live for another whatsoever outside of my freewill.
I would rather be embarassed and hurt. I would deal with and be tortured by a dictator before I would abandon my free will and live a lie. There have been times of spontaneity where I have been self sacrificing by making choices in my own free will to do something or be something. That is who I am. That is some of what I have been trying to say in both words and actions.
So, I still do not know what the future holds for me. It would be a major challenge to continue enduring through time to live in the U.S. I seriously have thought about moving to another country but do not yet have enough money.
So, I choose not to commit suicide and remain unresolved.
Right now, I think the biggest issue is that I think a lot of people are baffled over the fact that I havn't committed suicide.
I don't think people will ever understand the real pain of that last statement.
In all honesty, despite the feeling of the pain, it is also a shocker. The U.S. does have some commonly know stereotypes: A nation of supposed freedoms of all sorts. A nation of independence. A nation that supposedly supports a number of rights including women's rights. Also a nation with a large rate of arrogance and obesity. What a dangerous potential of causing its own collapse even among actual citizens of the nation.
Some people have agreed there are a number of people that are being a pig with me. It is nice to have agreements. Beyond the agreements others still have the continued nerve to say I should still commit suicide over them. No wonder my life feels continuously cursed.
Extent has always been my key word. Right now extent really isn't relevant to other people. Even though I have self worth, some die to say "fuck women's rights and independence," and:
This is the crux of other's wanting for me to commit suicide: I should kill myself because somebody should have loved me by now. Because I am not loved by others, all independence and autonomy is forgotten. Because I am not loved by others and nobody gives a rat's ass at what I have had to suffer? Why should I have any human rights because nobody loves me? I really do not intend to turn this into a sermon because I also believe in freedom of religion and any person of any religion should not be told that they are a nobody because nobody loves them.
So, where from now?
I believe there still may be possibilities from a number of men where it hasn't happened yet whom I may have never met yet. Maybe it's moreso directed at the rich or those in power where if a man loved me, he would have saved me by now. Some of those men are probably the same men who could have the potential to bring out my MIA from the cause of their own structure. I won't deny my flirtation or stockhom love. It seems though, there are even rules to stockholm love. The oddities of the stockholm love where I am meant to be known as the mistress.
I won't deny the love I've had for some. But in my circumstance, I would be blamed for any possibility because I am realistically more poor and vulnerable in honest comparison. But I think I'm learning there are even systematic rules for mistresses where there are still strict guidelines for how the mistress should act.
Its funny, I've never really laid any of the TV men. Of course I've been a tease in the stockholm. I've even teased a double jeopardy over it.
So is it moreso the wealthy taking advantage of a vulnerable women where it is obvious she can never win?
Forget the rest of the male population. If she were loved by now, someone would have loved her the right way.
OMG I was in my early twenties! Age really is a complicated variable that I don't really want to argue with.
But, I think that there are some who still seriously think I should commit suicide that I will both resent and loathe.
There are others who may not learn about me for years to come who I may resent when they have to meet the rest of the crowd and feel embarassed once again when the crowd asks a potential lover: "Why weren't you there for her? Why didn't you think? How could you say you love her? Or, in my low end: "How could you love her?" Or enemies who have lists from their action of outsourcing to say why that man shouldn't love me.
I really don't know possibilities of the future.
Other atheists and mysogynists who I've already called an asshole would say I should be gay, or be a real stripper and suck dick to get a man's attention.
They have no reason of patience. They have no reason of self control. They would fight to the death with either mysogyny and sadism or statistics.
I am honestly hurt with the way I have to unveil myself sometimes. There are so many arrogant people in this world where I feel ignored and that people really are clueless and stupified of who I am.
Yes, it does hurt when I have to ask certain questions or say certain comments. Yes, it really hurts with the list of other reasons that I hurt.
I will not beg. I will not live to suffer for another outside of my free will. I will not live for another whatsoever outside of my freewill.
I would rather be embarassed and hurt. I would deal with and be tortured by a dictator before I would abandon my free will and live a lie. There have been times of spontaneity where I have been self sacrificing by making choices in my own free will to do something or be something. That is who I am. That is some of what I have been trying to say in both words and actions.
So, I still do not know what the future holds for me. It would be a major challenge to continue enduring through time to live in the U.S. I seriously have thought about moving to another country but do not yet have enough money.
So, I choose not to commit suicide and remain unresolved.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
While I'm in my angry rant
I went for both whatever matrix man I am blind to and my mother.
I am being systematic at my own snowflake leisure to beat on a couple of matrix man walls.
Oh yes, the matrix man ridicules me all of the time. I can't see him, but I feel his predator. Desperate hateful predator. So, while in my anger and that I've already let a little loose with my anger, I let out more anger.
Congrats sick fuck oil riggers, you get satisfaction of finding some of my oil, sick fuck worthless pieces of shit who need to eat shit and die.
Anyway, while on my cussing rant, it went a little something like this:
My mother: OMG Sarah you don't use that language in my house.
Me: Ok mom, I'm getting abused by the world right now and it bothers you more that I'm using "such language" at my abusers. ....... .... Mom, you really are an awful mom. Not in a nazi way, but in a sincere way for who you are.
My biological mother: (puts on a purple shirt as if to make me feel demonized and paranoid). In silence still no conversation or defense.
Me: Mom you're arrogant and such a sick fuck for even insinuating that you have shit for brains. (yes I really said that.)
Biological mother: Stop using that language in my house!
Me: (Walking away) You are a sick fuck arrogant mother who has shit for brains who is clueless how to fight. You're an awful mother (biological mother babbling in the background), keep your mouth shut.
So to give more obsessed anal retentive judges who have never deserved and still don't deserve any piece of my life and whatever info they want, here you go you sick twisted who deserve to die awful dogs. There you go systematic bitches who would die to call me a teen or with some sort of disorder because I don't match your cookie cutter ways of going through how you see the systematic process of a teen rebelling and growing into adulthood. That I'm still somehow just a little girl.
Fucking matrix fucktards who don't know how to get a life have had fucked up desperate and stupid judgement. Who have made me suffer from some people because of your judgement all because I won't disclose myself to you sick fuck animal pig dogs. Fucking sick fucks who are so sickingly desperate.
Fucking sick fuck worthless piece of shit cookie cutters that really think they're God and the best "judges." Eat shit and die. Eat shit and die. Fucking worthless sacks of shit.
I am being systematic at my own snowflake leisure to beat on a couple of matrix man walls.
Oh yes, the matrix man ridicules me all of the time. I can't see him, but I feel his predator. Desperate hateful predator. So, while in my anger and that I've already let a little loose with my anger, I let out more anger.
Congrats sick fuck oil riggers, you get satisfaction of finding some of my oil, sick fuck worthless pieces of shit who need to eat shit and die.
Anyway, while on my cussing rant, it went a little something like this:
My mother: OMG Sarah you don't use that language in my house.
Me: Ok mom, I'm getting abused by the world right now and it bothers you more that I'm using "such language" at my abusers. ....... .... Mom, you really are an awful mom. Not in a nazi way, but in a sincere way for who you are.
My biological mother: (puts on a purple shirt as if to make me feel demonized and paranoid). In silence still no conversation or defense.
Me: Mom you're arrogant and such a sick fuck for even insinuating that you have shit for brains. (yes I really said that.)
Biological mother: Stop using that language in my house!
Me: (Walking away) You are a sick fuck arrogant mother who has shit for brains who is clueless how to fight. You're an awful mother (biological mother babbling in the background), keep your mouth shut.
So to give more obsessed anal retentive judges who have never deserved and still don't deserve any piece of my life and whatever info they want, here you go you sick twisted who deserve to die awful dogs. There you go systematic bitches who would die to call me a teen or with some sort of disorder because I don't match your cookie cutter ways of going through how you see the systematic process of a teen rebelling and growing into adulthood. That I'm still somehow just a little girl.
Fucking matrix fucktards who don't know how to get a life have had fucked up desperate and stupid judgement. Who have made me suffer from some people because of your judgement all because I won't disclose myself to you sick fuck animal pig dogs. Fucking sick fucks who are so sickingly desperate.
Fucking sick fuck worthless piece of shit cookie cutters that really think they're God and the best "judges." Eat shit and die. Eat shit and die. Fucking worthless sacks of shit.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Nothing Really New
I officially quit my job today. I actually called in on this one.
Also, be prepared for a probable Ike and Tina brawl with me vs. a number of men and even women.
I'm simply fed up. People do desperately provoke the shit out of me for any desperate attempt to feel a godlike satisfaction. "It's not me its you." Endless. Between both parties. I try to be cooperative as much as possible, but I just can no longer put up with being pushed to my limits and worthless provokings.
Now, of course, those with the God complex will have serious issues with what I think and feel about my life and situation.
No, I will never call them God. No, I will never call myself a worthless purposeless bump on a log either.
Just don't be surprised if some serious hatefulness, slander, and maybe even physical abuse comes to the surface.
It is impossible to be adaptable to anything.
It is impossible to have respect, trust, hope, or faith in anyone at this point.
People are indescribably inhumane.
People are indescribably unfair unjust and psycho.
Very few people have a good fight.
People are impossible period.
Ridicule me with my princess name, I will never accept inhumanities that come my way.
I am aware of the world around me. I know how it goes with financial class. I'm in a tensed up state of being and prepared to have to roll with the punches even though some punches will never be of worth or right to me.
I already see some manipulations. I live how I want to live and seek what I want to seek despite manipulations. It's dumb for people to think I should answer to others for my own free will of choice. I will never bow to slave labor.
I belong to me.
Hi Five Richard Simons
Giving myself a hug and just loving myself!
Also, be prepared for a probable Ike and Tina brawl with me vs. a number of men and even women.
I'm simply fed up. People do desperately provoke the shit out of me for any desperate attempt to feel a godlike satisfaction. "It's not me its you." Endless. Between both parties. I try to be cooperative as much as possible, but I just can no longer put up with being pushed to my limits and worthless provokings.
Now, of course, those with the God complex will have serious issues with what I think and feel about my life and situation.
No, I will never call them God. No, I will never call myself a worthless purposeless bump on a log either.
Just don't be surprised if some serious hatefulness, slander, and maybe even physical abuse comes to the surface.
It is impossible to be adaptable to anything.
It is impossible to have respect, trust, hope, or faith in anyone at this point.
People are indescribably inhumane.
People are indescribably unfair unjust and psycho.
Very few people have a good fight.
People are impossible period.
Ridicule me with my princess name, I will never accept inhumanities that come my way.
I am aware of the world around me. I know how it goes with financial class. I'm in a tensed up state of being and prepared to have to roll with the punches even though some punches will never be of worth or right to me.
I already see some manipulations. I live how I want to live and seek what I want to seek despite manipulations. It's dumb for people to think I should answer to others for my own free will of choice. I will never bow to slave labor.
I belong to me.
Hi Five Richard Simons
Giving myself a hug and just loving myself!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
How to Stay Alive
Short and not sweet
Some would argue that the dreamer in me is the real blame and cause for my failure at any job.
Despite some reason to not argue and walk away, I'd rather be a fighter now, even if it is an obnoxious fighter.
I simply argue IT HAS BEEN LORD OF THE FLIES. IT HAS BEEN RIGGED. IT HAS BEEN COMMIES.
Even in giving a benefit of the doubt, people are still stalkers. In giving a truly judged account of the entire picture of workplace setting, it has never been right.
Lord of the flies.
Yes, I keep applying for places to work despite what I've been through. I would rather continue to be fired and go through several workplaces before simply staying at home and not working at all.
I consider the world around me as desperate haters and see my setting as Lord of the Flies. I continue to wait for the day that people say: It isn't about the literal job.
Whether it be:
nazi's
personal hate
extreme authoritarianism and tyranny
about ego
Until then, I continue to rely on my own self to figure out how I am going to survive.
Some would argue that the dreamer in me is the real blame and cause for my failure at any job.
Despite some reason to not argue and walk away, I'd rather be a fighter now, even if it is an obnoxious fighter.
I simply argue IT HAS BEEN LORD OF THE FLIES. IT HAS BEEN RIGGED. IT HAS BEEN COMMIES.
Even in giving a benefit of the doubt, people are still stalkers. In giving a truly judged account of the entire picture of workplace setting, it has never been right.
Lord of the flies.
Yes, I keep applying for places to work despite what I've been through. I would rather continue to be fired and go through several workplaces before simply staying at home and not working at all.
I consider the world around me as desperate haters and see my setting as Lord of the Flies. I continue to wait for the day that people say: It isn't about the literal job.
Whether it be:
nazi's
personal hate
extreme authoritarianism and tyranny
about ego
Until then, I continue to rely on my own self to figure out how I am going to survive.
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