~breathing~

"Keep the ball rolling," Dane says with his actions of yields. Or, it may not mean that and his yields mean something else. He denies being guilty of abuse or hate. While I may have let go of some of his other abuses in the past and have made the choice to be the one who loves, I still am going to keep putting myself first. I am miserable. I need a job. In a more serious state and the amount of time I have known him compared to when I first met him, I do not demand or expect him to take care or provide for me. Through his actions, I have already caught onto his undying battles of competition and supremacy. He will always have the type of ego that is obsessed with dominance and structure. While I'm having a very hard time surviving, I'm also having a hard time in dealing with opposition against my pride and living through so much hate and being angry for myself. ..........
He gets credit for being a little more real when talking about me with his posting of my cockiness. But do I think he is innocent of the list of all the different types of hate? No. He has a conscious and aware sense of emotion to deny that he would want to sexually abuse me like that. But, there is guilty by association and past things that he has done. While he is denying further escalating abuse and hate, I can't help but wonder about the truth of responsibility he could have: he doesn't know how to deal, so he would rather get me murdered and set me up for murder without it looking like he has any blood on his hands. ...............
I can't help but assume the worst.
Dane looks at Kimmel, while I'm still assuming it is Amish Jim who will at the same time: not let go of me but still sexually abuse me. That is the strongest hints I'm getting right now with my browsings. I also think Norm and Denny are being violently and daringly responsible with sexual abuse and oil rigs. Just to let the United States know, while I still have no trust or faith in the country, I am still watching it to see how it will choose to deal with justice.

In a more off the trail thought and in general terms, I can't help but brainstorm possible competition that involves: gangs, capitalism, independence, interdependence, solo dependence.
In choosing supremacy of the competition, I would say independence and interdependence should be the winners. While not getting personal, I am keeping a reminder that sometimes, interdependence does not work out. Once so much trust has been broken, unless that person is a genius mastered "broker," who knows how to manipulate everything into their win and rule, the interdependence can shrink. It depends on each personal snowflake's desperation after that. Some may choose to be independent or completely dependent on one person. Some may want to choose suicide. Some may want to wait a lifetime to keep looking and keep waiting for more or new possibile people to be interedependent with. Maybe some would choose to be in a gang. People could be gambling with themselves for the rest of their lives. It isn't that they want to put it that way, it is just how life really is. I do agree with the band U2, that "sometimes you can't make it on your own." But, there is also a time of reason where a person is capable of being on their own, but nobody else wants to accept it but that person. Some don't even have Bono's compassion. It is the codependency of predator and victim where the predator does not see his/her own guilt of dependence of demanding to be needed. In this situation, it is the demands of that person to be needed that make themselves the biggest obstacle of the vulnerable person who is trying to survive.

Until then, I remain restless. Occasional rest, but chronically fatigued. Right now, I am feeling chronically fatigued. I claim myself as the independent looker and waiter.

I wonder who will be the first person to hit

The truth is, I do not have control over the world around me. Some lists of wealthy people do. Some are more obvious who has control while others I still want to know who and how many people are responsible for my life being like this. There will always be some groups of people who like to be do-gooders and encourage to walk away and just ignore people. Well, I ignore people at my leisure. However, I have not forgotten that some people just aren't giving up, and going away. My life continues to be wasted at my expense for the choices the wealthy make with who they decide to spoil rotten.
Time goes by so slowly.
Gotta love that boombox.

I have noticed several men in my life who continue to get more and more aggressive, violent, harassing, and stalking. It is only so much time before some men notice how little of effect they have on me and pick up that I am still a confident person. It is only a matter of time until they notice I continue to put myself before them. It is only a matter of time until the mysogynists be who they are.

I have noticed several groups of people that aren't just Ron Burgundys' or mysogynists. Some people, including Christians, use and abuse people for their own motivation or desperation. There are endless lists of agendas. Anderson sees a seriously bad drug problem; I believe what he says. There are just numbers and groups of people with different agendas and motives and I really do not understand what I have ever done for people to live to hate me the way they do. I don't get it.

Summer of 2006. Yes, I remember that summer. In this instance, there was no specific finger pointing of the reason I was driven insane and ran to the police who sent me to the hospital. Most, out of arrogance or desperation usually point the finger at either Mo or "me feeling suicidal over being rejected from a homosexual lover." I really understand why this country is so hated. Rudeness and arrogance can be so repulsive and maddening. It is the arrogance and rudeness along with so many people harassing me and stalking me. Talk about being ganged up on.

I have a feeling that no matter what happens or is said, I'm going to always be the bad guy. I'm going to be the blame, the scapegoat, the person who is at fault. I really have given up on people for a long time now. But while violence remains persistent and ever so growing, why not say something while in the limelight? My guess is that it is only going to make matters worse. Right now, I just don't care. I'm so fed up. I've been fed up. I'm just as desperate for people to get over themselves while I'm the one who is being condescended and degraded at the same time. People hate my Lily Allen attitude: "it's not me it's you," with everything in them. They won't give up and neither will I.

So, this leads me to wonder, I wonder who the first person will be who is going to get physically violent with me.