Right now, I think the biggest issue is that I think a lot of people are baffled over the fact that I havn't committed suicide.
I don't think people will ever understand the real pain of that last statement.
In all honesty, despite the feeling of the pain, it is also a shocker. The U.S. does have some commonly know stereotypes: A nation of supposed freedoms of all sorts. A nation of independence. A nation that supposedly supports a number of rights including women's rights. Also a nation with a large rate of arrogance and obesity. What a dangerous potential of causing its own collapse even among actual citizens of the nation.
Some people have agreed there are a number of people that are being a pig with me. It is nice to have agreements. Beyond the agreements others still have the continued nerve to say I should still commit suicide over them. No wonder my life feels continuously cursed.
Extent has always been my key word. Right now extent really isn't relevant to other people. Even though I have self worth, some die to say "fuck women's rights and independence," and:
This is the crux of other's wanting for me to commit suicide: I should kill myself because somebody should have loved me by now. Because I am not loved by others, all independence and autonomy is forgotten. Because I am not loved by others and nobody gives a rat's ass at what I have had to suffer? Why should I have any human rights because nobody loves me? I really do not intend to turn this into a sermon because I also believe in freedom of religion and any person of any religion should not be told that they are a nobody because nobody loves them.
So, where from now?
I believe there still may be possibilities from a number of men where it hasn't happened yet whom I may have never met yet. Maybe it's moreso directed at the rich or those in power where if a man loved me, he would have saved me by now. Some of those men are probably the same men who could have the potential to bring out my MIA from the cause of their own structure. I won't deny my flirtation or stockhom love. It seems though, there are even rules to stockholm love. The oddities of the stockholm love where I am meant to be known as the mistress.
I won't deny the love I've had for some. But in my circumstance, I would be blamed for any possibility because I am realistically more poor and vulnerable in honest comparison. But I think I'm learning there are even systematic rules for mistresses where there are still strict guidelines for how the mistress should act.
Its funny, I've never really laid any of the TV men. Of course I've been a tease in the stockholm. I've even teased a double jeopardy over it.
So is it moreso the wealthy taking advantage of a vulnerable women where it is obvious she can never win?
Forget the rest of the male population. If she were loved by now, someone would have loved her the right way.
OMG I was in my early twenties! Age really is a complicated variable that I don't really want to argue with.
But, I think that there are some who still seriously think I should commit suicide that I will both resent and loathe.
There are others who may not learn about me for years to come who I may resent when they have to meet the rest of the crowd and feel embarassed once again when the crowd asks a potential lover: "Why weren't you there for her? Why didn't you think? How could you say you love her? Or, in my low end: "How could you love her?" Or enemies who have lists from their action of outsourcing to say why that man shouldn't love me.
I really don't know possibilities of the future.
Other atheists and mysogynists who I've already called an asshole would say I should be gay, or be a real stripper and suck dick to get a man's attention.
They have no reason of patience. They have no reason of self control. They would fight to the death with either mysogyny and sadism or statistics.
I am honestly hurt with the way I have to unveil myself sometimes. There are so many arrogant people in this world where I feel ignored and that people really are clueless and stupified of who I am.
Yes, it does hurt when I have to ask certain questions or say certain comments. Yes, it really hurts with the list of other reasons that I hurt.
I will not beg. I will not live to suffer for another outside of my free will. I will not live for another whatsoever outside of my freewill.
I would rather be embarassed and hurt. I would deal with and be tortured by a dictator before I would abandon my free will and live a lie. There have been times of spontaneity where I have been self sacrificing by making choices in my own free will to do something or be something. That is who I am. That is some of what I have been trying to say in both words and actions.
So, I still do not know what the future holds for me. It would be a major challenge to continue enduring through time to live in the U.S. I seriously have thought about moving to another country but do not yet have enough money.
So, I choose not to commit suicide and remain unresolved.
